Women too.

OHMIGOD.

That's Right. Its me again. 

You know what? I admit I've made a few mistakes in life. Okay, so a lot of mistakes. Alright, a LOT of mistakes. But the biggest mistake of all was having kids, i.e. creating you guys. I mean, what was I even thinking when shitting Adam and Eve out? Those two were just a mess, I guess I should have Beta tested or something first. Adam was alright I guess, I mean, he was stupid, he didn't think much, he did what he was told, and all I had to do to keep him occupied was to show him some tits. But Eve was a fucking nightmare. Her brain functioned through the damn roof, everything I said was some sort of restriction on her freedom, everything I did was something anti-feminist. "You don't love me because I'm a woman!" 

The What now?

Ugh. Feminism. Its a dirty fucking word. They want to be equal by proclaiming how different they are. How back ass backwards is that? They ARE different. They DON'T need to be treated the same way as men. It is fucking asinine to demand it to be so. Same goes with affirmative action in general, but I'd like to narrow the scope and perhaps cut down on some of my hate mail.

Women... don't say you want the same treatment as men get. You don't really want to work 80 hours a week to support your family, to work at a job that you can't stand in order to provide for people that you never see. You want the option to have maternity leave, you want to come back to work part-time after having kids, you want tampon machines in your restrooms. You want consideration after consideration to be made for you, but not have to deal with any of the consequences. Don't lie to me and tell me that it's about being equal because that's bullshit. What you want is OPPORTUNITY. You want equal pay.

Kids Suck

G to the izzay, O to the izzo, D to the... yeah. God here. Well, Jesus gives me a lot of trouble up here in Heaven, he keeps saying that I wasn't there for him when he was a child. Now that he's done being a savior to mankind and realized that he really is my son, and its not just a bout of schizophrenia, he feels betrayed. I mean, excuse me? Didn't I save your sorry ass from those crazy Jews and Romans? I mean, I brought you back from the freaking dead! Don't I get any credit for that? Jesus. 

The Angels tell me I shouldn't yell at my son, so I tell them to shut the fuck up because prostitutes don't know anything about raising a child, those bloody bitches. Anyway, the point is that children are just ungrateful to their parents. I mean, the one thing I said to Adam and Eve, don't eat the fruit, I have a whole world of other things you can eat, but the forbidden fruit is forbidden, so don't eat it. And what's the first thing they do? THEY EAT THE DAMN FRUIT. I mean, what the fuck right? And then they blame me for banishing them from Eden. Idiot children.  

So for all you struggling Moms and Dads out there, if it was so hard for me, how could it ever be a cakewalk for you guys?  

See ya.

Plans for the Future

Yo yo yo this is Almighty in the House.


So here's the deal, let me tell you some more about my childhood. When I was a teenager, it was all about sex. So I had angels and whores to keep me happy. Now, in this day and age, its more about making people happy. 


HA


Nah, its still about sex.  I knew I couldn't pull that off with a straight face. 


What? Everyone has urges. I've tried the whole, be a good guy make people happy thing. Its just not for me, you know? I mean remember the Jesus stuff? That was a fucking disaster. So I'm gonna stick to the sidelines and watch you guys blow each other. And boy is it fun to watch you humans screw your lives up. I mean, if I had cable(which I don't cus T.V. is overrated) you guys would be my 24 hour doofus channel. I mean, I've done some screwed up things in the past, but you guys, ho ho you guys. You guys crack me up. You wanna make me laugh? Just tell me about your future plans.


Alright peeps, see you again tomorrow, PEACE.


God.

The Big Bang Theory

Hey Guys, 

This is God, your one and only creator and overall lord and savior. Remember me? I kinda died for your sins and stuff. Yeah, I'm that guy. Anyway I've just come home from an interview with this Drugadas fellow, and boy am I exhausted. You humans really are terrible, so to get my point across, I've decided to start a blog. This way the stuff I say won't get twisted into something else like, "Kill the Jews"
I didn't say that.

Start with Raunaq.

Who said that?

Anyway, here's the deal. When I was a kid. I was like, too cool, I used to be traipsing around on this empty canvas which was the world, it was also my room, I obviously hadn't created the universe yet, I was wasting time, getting high on stuff I created, having wild sex with ladies I thought up, and generally having a good time. This was when I was like, twelve or something. By the time I was in my late teens, I had an emo phase. You all know what I'm talking about right? Wearing mascara, dressing in black, cutting myself, creating corners in nowhere just so I could sulk by it. Then I went completely Goth. I decided to see what it would be like to make my room completely black. And that happened.

The world was black, but kinda boring, so I, being the smartass teenager I was, started tossing bottle rockets in the world. Now, at this point my place (the world) wasn't particularly a big place, so bottle rockets were obviously not a good idea. I mean, the minute they went off I was like, "Ohshitohshitohshitohshit DUCK!"

And that was the Big Bang. No it had nothing to do with sex, you don't get a lot of pussy being Goth, you know.

Good times.